I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Hamburger Hinderer.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!