My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Never forget.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.