My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.