@SufficientCharm: My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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@Reverend_Scott: Carl: Cold out night. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders' ability to make webs. Me: Fair enough.
@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
@ilovepie84: Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
@cat_whisperer_: Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.