My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.