My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
oh my gosh!!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
We’ve all been there…
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.