My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
<- sleeps well with others
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The old gods are rising again.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.