My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
You Might Also Like
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me buying fruit and veg
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.