My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
This was the best day of my life
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.