@UnicornSyrup: My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's antidisestablishmentarianism.
@david8hughes: [first day as a negotiator] Me: release one hostage Terrorist: no Me: release half of one hostage
@RafaelaStoakes: Iron Man Iron Man Does whatever an iron can Makes stuff hot Makes stuff flat Burns your hand Burns the cat Burns the house down . . Shit!