My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?