@AphroditeAfter5: My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week-----together. He's so demanding!
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@Mr_Kapowski: [magician rolls over in bed] "Last night was amazing" Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast? Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
@Brianhopecomedy: Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
@NicholasPegg: Retweet if you are using Snapchat's new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.
@brennadine: [First date] Him: Can you pass the- SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER