[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.