When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
live, laugh, laundry.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.