My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…