Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.