@TheMichaelRock: My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
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@_shellzbellzzz_: Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
@TheTweetOfGod: Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
@causticbob: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."