@TheMichaelRock: My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
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@realHamOnWry: Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don't even have to be gay, it's just a fun thing to do.
@Breadery: Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.