7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.