My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
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You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Basketball
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.