@JElvisWeinstein: My brain knows that there's a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
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@TheDreamGhoul: The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don't know why we keep having to say this.
@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.
@iamburtjarvis: [starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
@jenlaw_11: Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!