My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.