My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Cndnsd Mlk
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.