My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Good advice.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
sleeping beauty
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no