The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn鈥檛 a kitten it was an owl and he was, like鈥e was fine there.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don鈥檛.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door鈥檚 always open.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I鈥檓 glad you asked : )
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
him: *walking into the kitchen* don鈥檛 you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can鈥檛 finish the jar
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.