My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
August 8
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Never forget.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.