My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.