My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*