My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I’d hang this in my house.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass