My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
This will never not be funny to me.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!