Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
i think both sides are to blame here
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u