My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
So, can we agree on 4 or
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Guilty! 🤪
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.