“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Finally, an explanation.
😎 🍻
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.