My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
You Might Also Like
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I have many caverns
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage