My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*cough*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.