My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?