@ANastyGorilla: My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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@LackOfShame: I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
@dongfuture: Can you say your strengths? “Your strengths” No like what are they “My legs maybe” No, like for work “Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
@Underchilde: If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler or just watch movies that aren’t about superheroes?
@Prof_Hinkley: [announcement over PA at work] "FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*