I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Schrödinger’s cookie
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*