You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.