One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
You Might Also Like
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
want me to check your oil?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.