I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.