@Brianhopecomedy: My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, "Samantha".
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@Tmoney68: The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
@Xalqee: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?