@Brianhopecomedy: My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, "Samantha".
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@timdonakowski: Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.
@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night. Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator. Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
@KylePlantEmoji: Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
@FrazzleMyGimp: [first day as Uber driver] ME: Are you Keith? Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: