@Brianhopecomedy: My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, "Samantha".
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@Mikecanrant: "YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
@audipenny: Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,
@jewfacekilla: Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime? Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.