muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
why would tinder want me to say this
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.