My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.