@BadMikeyBad: My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.
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@itshotterhere: Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
@DaddyJew: My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead
@ericsshadow: My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
@chimneyspotter: DATE: ...so that's how I ended up at Harvard Law! ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL