@BadMikeyBad: My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
@Donna_McCoy: Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake. I need a ride home.
@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.