@BadMikeyBad: My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.
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@JhonRules: *dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
@FatherWithTwins: You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it. - My 4yo. Apparently.
@Sassafrantz: My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.
@Sirrruh: I can't be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission