My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?