My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute