Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
next level snooze
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar