@pinupteacher: My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@suntzufuntzu: Spotify has a new playlist called 'Screams'. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play