My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[montage of me giving-up]
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
3% human
97% stress
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.