@k_lli: My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she's coming down with flu.
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@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
@TheAlexNevil: WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do? ME: No. WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times. ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon. WIFE: You better. ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
@EndhooS: "Morning guys" "HOLY SHIT IT'S SUPERMAN!" - Clark Kent's first day at work wearing contact lenses