My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows