My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Okey dokey.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Happy Caturday!
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.