@MichaelTrying: My calendar says there's a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you'd think people would be more excited.
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@kevinrowe1: Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...
@Chumpstring: [grocery store] DAD: [wearing a ski mask] SON: this is so embarrassing MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
@adamgoodell: The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.