My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
all that yoga finally paid off
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.