@suzieQ0007: My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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@Sickayduh: [hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
@dulcetry: I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
@BeardedSteel: *stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts