@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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@TheAlexP: Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell "Thank You "just to leave them hanging.
@VanVeenB: Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
@LackOfShame: Server: Would you like another glass of wine? Me: I'm sorry, I don't have time Server: For the wine? Me: No, for silly questions