@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys
@WilliamAder: I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
@KalvinMacleod: GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow? GOD: ur starting to worry me