My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.