My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
LOL
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Put this video in the Louvre
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?