My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”