my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
why am I working on Labor Day
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*