my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce